This would make a great assignment in a creative writing class...

An OT visits a Psych

P = Psychiatrist

P- Come in. I'm Dr. Synapse. You're Tom Thetabop?
OT- Yes, Doctor. Thank you. I first need to say that I'm only here
because my family demanded that I see a psychiatrist. As a
Scientologist, I believe my religion can provide me with all the tools
that I need for this life and my future lives. But I have been having
problems that don't seem to get handled in Scientology, and my
non-Scientologist family demanded that I see you, despite my
antagonism to psychiatry. Just so you know, this is not my choice.
P- I see. Well, we'll see if we can help. First, do you feel
generally in good condition?
OT- Oh yes! I'm very confident and know that I am at cause over the
MEST universe, but there's just something that still bothers me.
P- The "Messed Universe?" What is that?
OT- Oh sorry. Matter, Energy, Space and Time. These are all just
agreed upon concepts that we can overcome when we finish the OT
P- Uh... you mean that you don't believe in Matter, Energy, Space and
OT- They are only real because we have agreed that they are real.
When you complete the OT courses then you can be at cause over these
P- Ok... Have you taken these OT courses? And are you at cause over
MEST now?
OT- [thinking hard] Well... there's a problem. I have completed the
courses through OT 7, but I still have problems getting to the end
P- What do you learn on these OT courses?
OT- I can't tell you because you'll die if you hear them.
P- Hm. Well, that makes it more difficult for me to help you. Are
these simply classes you take to learn certain concepts?
OT- No, you get on the cans and run Incident I and II until the BTs
P- I'm sorry, I don't think you were speaking English there...
OT- See? I knew it was useless coming here!
P- No, no, I'm sure I can help. I guess I just need to learn the
lingo. What are BT's and why do they need to blow?
OT- Oh Jeez, I'm not supposed to tell you! Hm... but you're just part
of the 4th Invader Force anyway and your goose is already cooked...
Tell you what, promise this won't go out of this room, and I'll tell
P- Everything said here is kept in the strictest confidence, just like
your church would keep it's parishioner's confessions confidential.
OT- Christ! That's no good. Just PROMISE me that none of this goes
beyond this room.
P- I promise.
OT- Let me just boil it down to what I think my problem is and then
you tell me if you can help... I was solo auditing Incident II,
getting in comm with the BT's and just running out charge like you
can't believe! Everything was great until I found a BT on my right
elbow... Xena... [wistfully] her name is Xena...
P- the Xena from the TV show?
OT- No, but she looks similar, and just coincidentally has the same
name. Anyway, I... I... I fell in love with Xena of the Right Elbow.
P- I'm still a little confused over the lingo I guess. This Xena, she
lives in your right elbow? And you speak to her?
OT- [weeping slightly] yes.
P- But she's a BT, and you should be driving her away, correct?
OT- [sobbing openly] yes.
P- Does Xena cause you any problems? Is there any reason to get
OT- [interrupting] NO! There's NO reason to send her away! She
couldn't help it any more than anybody else could! Xenu blew us all up
and it's nobody's fault but his! We love each other! And I'm NOT
going to audit her out!
P- [shaking a bit] Please, try to calm down. We won't send Xena
away. Xena is a spirit then, correct?
OT- Yes, yes... oh god... look. We're all just spirits, and we were
all blown up together 75 million years ago. Some of us are people,
and some of us are BT's. It's nobody's fault which we became. Now,
Xena and I have found each other, thanks to Scientology. But
Scientology is also ripping us apart! And my wife is jealous of my
P- Couldn't you leave the church?
OT- I'm so torn...
P- if this spirit woman in your elbow means this much to you...!
WHat... the... HELL!! am I saying? I'm sorry, but we'll have to end
this session until I can get my own head back together.
OT- [perking up] Have you ever read Dianetics?